The College Drinker's Alphabet
A- Alcohol: The key to surviving college.
B- Beer: It's whats for dinner.
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party. Also represents the best grade you can possibly hope to get.
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, which only women can do without looking like a complete retard.
E- Emergency: When your girlfriend sees you dancing like a complete retard with some other girl, and storms out of the place.
F- Finals: The activity taking place in Class tomorrow (See "C" above)
G- Girlfriend: The girl you came with, whose company you enjoy, and who now knows what a complete jackass you are (see "E"). Also "Gone" which is what she is, via the door, and you are, via "A" and "B", above.
H- Hang-over: The chorus of jackhammers in your head the next morning, when you wake up in your girlfriend's bed, (see "Q", below), sick and dying. Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank. Also "Hell" which is, in this context, synonymous.
I- Ignorant: The root cause of drinking too much.
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after the cops pick you up, drunk, staggering home with your fake ID in your pocket.
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol. Also, "Listen" which He will not do.
M- Memory: That which evaporates due to too much partying. Also, "Money", same definition.
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know.
O- Oh SH*T!: What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking.
Q- Quilt (girlfriend's): What you puked on last night when you staggered to her room, found she wasn't there, crashed, woke up in, and have to clean in the morning.
R- Reform: What you promise God (See: "L") you will do while you're puking in the toilet. Also, "Remember" which you will not do.
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk. Before falling asleep in your girlfriend's bed (see "Q" above). God (See: "L") knows where she is, anyway.
T- TBS: Tiny Bladder Syndrome, affecting all drinkers of beer (see "P").
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town, probably including you.
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello. Also, "Vomit", the substance your body turns Vodka into when it has ingested too much, resulting in "Q", above.
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that that you don't mind eating after you've consumed the whole bottle, resulting in "Q", above.
X- X-Acto Knife: What your girlfriend stabs you in the butt cheek with when she finds you passed out on her bed at noon the next day, after her finals (see "F" above), which you missed.
Y- Yesterday: The last time you promised yourself you wouldn't do this again (see "L" above).
Z- Zima: Zomething Different. Tastes like "P", above, resulting in "Q", above.
Published here with thanks to my friends Manela and Pino. God knows where they got this from.